Dressing my kids isn’t supposed to be this hard, is it? It all started off easy enough; onesies with clever sayings and pre-assembled shirt/short combos. Everything in the drawer was a winner! I could do no wrong.
Oh, how times have changed. Six years, 3 kids, and countless wardrobe malfunctions later I’ve had an epiphany: my wife and I aren’t even seeing the same clothes! Here’s an illustration.
I walk into the closet using this color pallet:
My wife walks into the closet using this color pallet:
…and hilarity ensues.
Let’s roll the tape, shall we?
Dad: “Kids are dressed.”
Mom: “What are they wearing?”
Dad: “Clothes, obviously.”
Mom: “Let me see here. Nope, that doesn’t go.”
Dad: “What do you mean? It’s green. There are 8 subsets of color available and every garment on our child’s body falls well within the green subset.”
Mom: “Those greens clash, pick something else.”
Dad: “I see what’s happening. This is like that dress from the interwebs. Half of people see it as blue, and the other half see it as gold. Just like half the people would say ‘James, you’ve pieced together a devastating ensemble for your six year old. #winning’. The other (incorrect) half would say ‘There’s a slight chance that your child’s outfit, though well within the green subset, is not a perfect match. Most likely repeated washing has faded the original color and foiled the intent of your spot-on fashion sense’.”
Mom: …*groan….*sigh…*eye roll (Dad earned the rare trifecta!)
Exeunt Mom & Dad
Tricks of the Trade
By the way, my new trick with the older kids is to send them downstairs, gauge Mom’s reaction and, if favorable, take full credit. Then, when it’s unfavorable, I say they wanted to dress themselves. Total double standard there by the way; kids pick a crazy outfit and it’s “cute”, Dad picks a crazy outfit and it’s “You can’t wear that to church James! Now we’re going to be late.” But I digress.
Returning to the subject at hand, dressing our our daughter has added a whole other dimension to my struggle. These clothes defy the logic of my color subsets. At least with the boys I had acceptable substitutions for matching tops and bottoms, giving me a higher probability for success. Not so with my daughter’s outfits. I walk into her room with Eminem from 8 Mile in my head “If you had one shot, one opportunity…” to choose the leggings that match the dress Mom picked out… OK, so maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but you get the idea. How could I have missed that every 3rd leaf in the dress’ ivy pattern has gold trim, making the gold leggings the obvious choice? So much for my aforementioned spot-on fashion sense.
Bringing things back to reality…
E: “Oh, there goes gravity”
Dad: “Simmer down over there Eminem, I’m trying to wrap up this blog post!”
At the end of the day, my wife and I are just completely blessed to have three healthy kids who would rather run around naked half the time anyway than worry about what Mom or Dad pick out to wear. Keep it all in perspective and good luck out there.
-Best Regards from Dadland!
About the Author
James Allen is a husband and father of three. Living and working in the Tampa, FL area. While, he is a writer at heart he makes his living working the retail grind. His greatest passions are his family, college football, and reading all of the classics (like Harry Potter and GOT).